Day 11/40

Today was a great day.  Before you think I am some crazy woman with major mood swings – let me just say yesterday was busy and stressful at work, then I came home and Liam was still so sick, and the house was a mess…etc. etc. I just could not deal with one more thing last night!!!!

I got a good night’s sleep and today was a great day.  I ate all the food I took to work, did not go off and eat 3 donuts (like I did yesterday because I was so busy I just ate whatever was in front of me and did not stop to really “eat”) and drink 5 cups of coffee.  I still didn’t get out for a walk at lunch time but I did take a break and eat and read blogs.

I didn’t shred last night but I did tonight!

I still didn’t get a scale and I wanted to post my stats for the month. I know I didn’t lose alot of weight in September – it was a very up and down month for me again. I’ll see if I can find one on my lunch hour tomorrow and post the stats in the next day or so. I like the idea of looking month to month – shows much more progress than weekly.

I really don’t have anything interesting or inspiring to say today, I just want to keep the habit of blogging :)

40 Day Challenge Scorecard

5 Keys	Where am I?
Track everything	10/11
30 Day Shred	5/11
Limit High Glycemic Foods	7/11
Blog Every Day	11/11
Water, Water, Water	10/11

 

The Biggest Loser

It was pure entertainment last night. I don’t think I was inspired at all. Some quick notes:

1. I know some people are down on Tracey for playing the game – but really the show *is* a game. It’s about staying in the game as long as possible and winning, and everyone’s definition of “winning” is their own.
2. Shay has major issues. I highly doubt that Bob and Jillian are qualified to help her with her emotional and psychological issues. She may physically lose weight while at the ranch because her food and exercise are so regimented but if she doesn’t heal herself, she will gain the weight back. I don’t know if it is benefitting her to be there, lose the weight and then go back to “reality” with no support system in place. She said several times that she has no support system and can’t do this alone. Is this the right way for her to be losing weight?  My gut tells me no.
3. I love Mo. I know the show is heavily edited, but he seems like a decent man and he seems to want to work hard and he is being pulled down by Tracey. Since I’ve not seen the show before, I don’t know how that will play out for him.
4. I still like Amanda :)
5. I don’t know how I feel about Sean and Antoine basically throwing in the towel so Shay could stay. They have every right to be there as she does. It was good to see that they continued their journey off the ranch though.
6. I still would like to see them focus more on what they eat and not just product placements, i.e. protein powder and Yoplait!

If you’ve read this far – thank you :) I will try to be more entertaining and motivating/inspiring in tomorrow’s post!

Day 10/40

Today was not a good day. I really don't want to write anything about it and rehash the negative thoughts.

Tomorrow is a new day and it will be better.

Day 9/40

Join me in a happy dance?

Why? No particular reason. I am just in a good mood and wanted to share with my blogging buddies.

The day started out rainy and cold, and part way through the afternoon, the sun came out and it was blue skies and sunshine, then driving home it was rain again.

It looks like I spoke too soon about Liam being over the flu. Today he was vomiting and the fever was back and now Iain is sick too. They are both eating soda crackers and drinking  ginger ale right now and they look pretty green actually.  They spent most of today just sleeping off and on.

Food was perfect today. I packed everything to take with me this morning and I actually took it and ate it and didn’t get anything extra – I didn’t need anything extra – I took my lunch, breakfast and 2 snacks.  For dinner I’m going to open a can of vegetarian chili for me and Den, I doubt the boys will want to eat anything. So I am well within my points for the day and may actually have to have some cheese or almonds to bump me up if I have too many left over. (Ha..that hardly ever happens!)

I didn’t get to walk at lunch today.  Although it was sunny during the lunch hour I just had so much work to do, I ended up eating at my desk.  By 3 p.m I was so mad that I hadn’t left the trailer all day (except to pee!) that I told my co worker that tomorrow I was leaving at lunch time no matter how busy it was (this was also fuelled by the fact that we have a co worker who is a slacker and he had spent the afternoon prancing around doing SFA and then left early). She asked if I’d like to walk with her. Of course!!! Walking with someone is so much better than walking alone. The only thing is, she is the Safety Advisor and sometimes can’t leave the site depending on what’s going on – but I know she will do her best so I’m looking forward to that tomorrow.

Tomorrow’s plan is to repeat today and if I can repeat today enough times – I will be doing ok :) Everything is packed for tomorrow, so no reason it can’t be another good day.

I haven’t looked into a new scale yet but I am going to tomorrow because I want to be able to post my 8 month stats on September 30.

This post by Tiffany really hit home today. In it she talks about things she can control and things she can’t. She is so right – even when we do follow our program each day, do the best we can each day – sometimes the scale doesn’t follow suit and “reward” us the way we think it should. We have no control over our hormones, water weight, bloating, muscle mass etc.  But we can control how much effort we put into our exercise and our eating plan and because we can control these things – we should – and we should use these things as measures of our success – not just the number on the scale.  Way to go Tiffany for reminding me of this.

I am very scale-centric – I like to see the numbers go down, I admit.  I do weigh every day but I am not influenced by a “bad” number. I know for some people it causes them to give up or binge, or makes them more determined. For me, its just a moment in time and an indication of where I am.  I try to look over a 4 week span – I am sure I’ve said this before – as long as I am losing 4-5 lbs over a 4 week average, I’m happy and I know I am on the right track.  The cool thing is the weight watcher weight tracker on line actually gives an option to view a 4 week period, so it’s a neat little tool to keep me motivated.

40 Day Challenge Scorecard

5 Keys	Where am I?
Track everything	8/9
30 Day Shred	4/9
Limit High Glycemic Foods	6/9
Blog Every Day	9/9
Water, Water, Water	8/9

Day 8/40

This has been me all weekend.  I had another nap today for about 2 hours. Sometimes on the weekend, I am mentally/emotionally tired and I doze for half or so just to relax and think.  But yesterday and today, I was physically tired and actually slept deeply.  I think, I hope, I was just making up for lost time from the last week when I was up many nights with Liam.  Tomorrow is back to work so there is no room for mid day naps in my schedule!!!

Today I went to Planet Organic in Port Credit. I loved it. I could have bought everything in the store.  I restrained myself though and only picked up a few things that I hadn’t seen in the Health Food/Organic Section at our local Loblaws.

For lunch we had stirfy with the leftover roast beef and it was really good. I used onions, yellow squash, snap peas (don’t you love how they just taste “green”?) and carrots with basmati rice and chopped up the leftover roast beef into cubes.  It was so good. I put some aside for my lunch tomorrow before we started eating else I know one of the boys would have just finished it off.

Dinner – everyone is on their own. I had some almond butter on an Arnold’s sandwich thin and a glass of milk. There’s lots of stuff in the fridge the guys can just heat up or throw together a sandwich with some fruit/veggies if they want.

I drank lots and lots of water today. I feel like I am going to float away :) 

My blood sugar was really, really good today and yesterday. Weekends are usually a bit up and down because I don’t eat as regularly as during the week and I tend to start and end my day later, but I had all under 7.0 for both days, so I’m happy with that.

Breakfast, lunch and 2 snacks are packed for my workday tomorrow and so are my running shoes – so I can go for a walk at lunch – tomorrow is going to be a good day.

I think I need a new scale. Originally, it seemed the battery was low, so I got new batteries yesterday but it is still giving me wierd readings.  As much as I would like to be 197.2, I don’t think it’s happened yet nor did I suddenly gain 50 lbs since last week for it to read 263.4 later in the day.  I’ve had this scale about 10 years so I guess I’ve gotten my money out of it, time to start researching a new one I guess.  I am lost without my morning weigh in and its only been 3 days!!!

40 Day Challenge Stats

5 Keys	Where am I?
Track everything	7/8
30 Day Shred	3/8
Limit High Glycemic Foods	5/8
Blog Every Day	8/8
Water, Water, Water	7/8

Day 7/40

It is cold here!!!  OK not that cold…but I did have to put socks on this morning and I had to put the furnace on.  Thankfully, Liam seems to be over the flu. He did not cough once last night or all day today and no fever since about midnight last night.

 

I went out this morning and did all my errands and when I got home I was so tired, I lay down and napped for two hours.  I was actually soundly sleeping, not just dozing. When I woke up I had that feeling that I had been asleep forever and had no idea what time it was.

I felt alot better when I woke up though, so that’s a good thing. 

Iain had put a roast in the oven and Den had started the vegetables so all I had to do was make the gravy. We ate awhile ago and it was delicious.  If the three of them clean up, like they said they would, it will have been a perfect meal!!

When I first woke up I was hungry. I had let my blood sugar get too low. I hadn’t eaten while I was out and then I had slept so when I woke up I was hungry like a bear!  I didn’t feel like making a meal because I knew the roast would be ready in an hour or so and I didn’t want to ruin my appetite. So I had a Fibre One Bar.  Then 15 minutes later, I had a jello pudding.  Then…15 minutes later I had a WW peanut butter bite.  Then…when I was yet again standing with the fridge door open, I made myself close it and go into the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and said, out loud, “Make yourself some real food.”  I took a deep breath and splashed some cold water on my face and then went and grilled some yellow zucchini. I had it with a low fat, baked pretzel.  I sat and ate it at the dining room table and it was delicious and not the least bit “filling”.  It’s amazing how much clearer my mind was after I ate that.  If I hadn’t stopped myself I would have eaten through the whole fridge because “I didn’t feel like making something”.  And the funny thing is, the zucchini was already cut up, all I had to do was throw it in a grill pan with a bit of olive oil, salt and pepper and it took less than 5 minutes. It took longer to eat!  I don’t know why I do that.

Oh I was so excited when I was in Costco. I saw the new edition of Clean Eating magazine so I picked it up. I’ve only flipped it through it as yet. I’m saving it for my Sunday morning tea at breakfast.  I’m so excited. I wish they published every month instead of every other month.

So here’s today’s update on the 40 Day Challenge:

5 Keys	Where am I?
Track everything	6/7
30 Day Shred	2/7
Limit High Glycemic Foods	4/7
Blog Every Day	7/7
Water, Water, Water	6/7

Day 6/40

Overwhelmed is today’s watchword.

I didn’t sleep well last night as I kept getting up to check Liam’s fever. And then I ended up sleeping in and having to rush to work and got there almost an hour late.  My manager was a jerk today. You know how sometimes they are just “over the top” ? He was driving me nuts today and I knew I was leaving early for my interview so I was rushing to get to stuff done and he was just “bugging” me you know?  Anyway….I am home and I can relax now…that’s the important thing.

I still didn’t get a battery for my scale so I’ve no idea where my weight is, but I am the beginning of TOM so it wouldn’t have been good anyway. I will get a new battery tomorrow whilst running errands.

 

5 Keys	Where am I?
Track everything	5/6
30 Day Shred	1/6
Limit High Glycemic Foods	3/6
Blog Every Day	6/6
Water, Water, Water	5/6

 

Today was probably the worst day since I started my self-challenge. I didn’t track anything, in fact I can’t even remember half of what I ate and I didn’t drink nearly enough water – I was literally run off my feet all day.  I just got home and am shattered – I don’t think I even have the energy to change to do the Shred let alone do it.  This has been a completely upside down week with me being sick and then Liam.    I feel like I’ve made no headway with anything.

This time around – losing weight, getting healthy – my attitude is so different. Before, if I had a “bad” day or what I perceived as a bad day, it would turn into a string of bad days and sometimes even weeks and I would undo all the good I did by eating crappy, almost on purpose as if to prove I could. Does that make sense?  This time – I accept I’m not perfect. I aim to do the best  I can each day. I recognize that today may be better than yesterday and tomorrow may be worse, but that’s ok. Each day I do the best I am able to and I now believe, that every little thing I do that contributes to my wellbeing, physically, emotionally and mentally, is a benefit. There is nothing too small or inconsequential.

Today, while I was waiting for a going away party to start, I had about 30 min to kill. There was a time I would have sat in the bar and had a drink and some appetizers while I waited. Today, I went for a walk. Just around the parking lot – about 10 times!!! It was a gorgeous afternoon and I just enjoyed the sunshine, thinking about nothing, walking the perimeter of the parking lot. It wasn’t strenuous exercise by any means, but it was certainly better than eating nachos for half an hour!!!  See what I mean? The walk itself wasn’t important but it was significant because it meant I wasn’t doing something that was detrimental to my well being.

There is no end or giving up or quitting. This is just one day at a time doing the best I can to get healthy and along the way, lose the weight.

Day 5/40

Today I had some successes and some challenges.

1. I did do the 30 Day Shred. (1/5)
   
2. I did track everything I ate. (5/5)
   
3. I did drink alot of water (and probably equal amounts diet coke and coffee).(5/5)
4. I was challenged in eating today. I just didn't plan and ended up eating quick and easy. For breakfast that was a toasted bagel with margarine, lunch was a burger and fries (although I didn't eat the fries, I just left them on the plate) and I never really had dinner . I had a glass of milk and a bite of a sandwich.  The burger put me well over my points for today but tomorrow is the start of my new WW week.  I was just munchy today. I wanted the texture of food in my mouth, you know? I wasn't so much hungry because I don't think  I actually finished any one meal I started, I left about 1/3 of the bagel, all the fries, about 1/2 the burger and most of my sandwich.  Nothing seemed appealing today. (2/5)
   
5. And I blogged. (5/5)

I am off to bed. Interview tomorrow and my arms and legs hurt from the Shred so I'm going to take a quick hot shower then crash.

Liam and H1N1

Well this post is short. I may come back and write more later.

Liam has H1N1. He's been sick with a cold/flu type thing since the weekend and his cough was getting worse so we took him to our doctor today. I thought the cough was related to his asthma, but its not. He is not in one of the high risk categories and he is generally a healthy boy so there are no worries that he won't recover in a few days. In fact, he's more than half way through the normal virus period at this point and we fully expect he will start to improve tomorrow or the next day.

He will be off school until the symptoms are completely gone - but we expect it won't be more than a few days into next week.

I'll let you know if anything changes, otherwise I probably won't mention it again in my blog.

Day 4/40

Thankfully I seem to have whipped this stomach thing and I woke up hungry this morning - always a good sign.

I am still feeling tired and achey but not "sick" like I have been.  Thank you for all your well wishes and good vibes - see they worked!   Now both my boys are sick with a head/chest cold.  Liam is my 12 year old and colds are always worse for him because of his asthma.

I am planning on starting The Shred tomorrow...so I'll be 5 days behind ;( but I will be right with Tiffany and her crew from now on!

Eating wise, the last few days have been a bit odd, I've stayed within my points but not eaten a good variety of food - mostly tea,toast, applesauce, bananas, some chicken.  Tonight I picked up a pre-roasted chicken at Loblaws, steamed some squash and sauteed some mushrooms and that was dinner.  It was tasty and not heavy at all, just perfect and I still have a clean kitchen.

I have a job interview on Friday!!!! I am so very excited.  I have one suit, size 18 that I haven't worn in years - thankfully its a classic style - that I tried on the other night and although the pants are little big - it fits pretty well.  My other two suits from last years job hunting are both size 22!!! i tried them on just to see how bad they were and the pants fell down over my hips and I could wrap the jacket around me like a blanket. This is a good thing, but left me in a pinch for this interview. Then I remembered the other suit that I’ve not worn for.... I think about 5 years or so. It’s been drycleaned and is all ready for me for on Friday. Keep your fingers crossed for me. This job would mean a lesser commute and more money and a shopping spree for office clothes that fit :) Never a bad thing!!!

The scale is showing me hovering between 213-214 this week. TOM is expected any day now so not sure if I will see a loss this week but I’m just continuing along.  It will all pay off in the end. On 4 day of my 40 Day Challenge here’s where I sit:

5 Keys	Where am I?
Track everything	4/4
30 Day Shred	0/4
Limit High Glycemic Foods	2/4
Blog Every Day	4/4
Water, Water, Water	4/4

 

Biggest Loser and My Thoughts

I watched Episode 2 last night and I loved that they had a team challenge.  One thing I have learned going through this journey, this time around, is how much easier it is to have people along for the ride. I have my WW groups on line and I have all my blogging “friends”.  Knowing that I am not alone, that others make the same mistakes I do and have the same or harder challenges – gives me the strength to keep going.

Amanda is still my favourite. She “only” lost 4lbs last night and was the “smallest loser”.  As I’ve said, I’ve never seen any other season so I wonder if they ever address food/eating issues on the show or do we watch them endlessly working out to lose this weight. Most of them, MUST have serious issues with food and I wonder how that is addressed, if at all. They may lose their weight in the 16 weeks on the campus but if they don’t address the root cause of their weight gain in the first place – it will come back on. I was surprised to see Bob talking to Shay and doing some NLP with her. He asked her to tell him that she deserved to be happy and she was able to say it twice, but with tears streaming down her face. Truly, it was heartbreaking to see how unhappy this young woman was.

I think I’ve mentioned this before. I’ve been every weight from 110 lbs to 250 lbs as an adult woman and at only 5’ tall, thats a huge variation.  I’ve NEVER, EVER, EVER equated what I see in the mirror with my self worth.  I wonder sometimes why that is when there seems to be so many overweight people full of self loathing.  I had an average childhood with loving parents who divorced when I was about 14. I’ve lived on my own and supported myself since I was 15.  I’ve always had a strong, but very small, social network and I have good relationships with my siblings.  I didn’t put on weight because of a trauma or eating disorder. I somewhere along the way, lost sight of portion control and stopped exercising and add in a few medical issues that contribute to weight loss (PCOS and thyroid) and before I knew it – I was obese.  In my head, I see myself in my early 20’s; curvy, slim and athletic.  I am STILL sometimes surprised to see a photo of myself or catch my reflection in a window.  When I look in a mirror – as I was doing when I was trying on my suits the other night – I am not in denial. I see every one of my 213 lbs but they don’t define me.  I am NOT 213 lbs.  I AM a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a funny, intelligent and caring woman.  These are the ways I define myself.

I hope I never know self loathing. I hope I never define myself by a number on a scale or the number on my clothing.  I pray that I am always loved for WHO I am and not WHAT I look like.

Day 3/40- I am broken record - still sick.

I'm thinking this is a definitely a flu type bug.  My youngest son is also now sick, but thankfully, his stomach is fine, but he is achey and has a sore throat and earache.

The day is only half over...give me strength.

Day 1 & 2/40 - Sick Sick and more Sick

The day did not get better yesterday. I slept off and on all day and through the night.  At one point I had fever and chills and couldn't keep down water.

I didn't sleep well overnight either. I had strange, disjointed dreams as well. In one dream, my 12 year old was driving in a car in front of me (he was actually driving the car) and he drove the car off the road in a remote area north of Toronto.  We couldn't find the car or him and there were search parties and helicopters. It was like he vanished off the face of the Earth. I woke up in a cold sweat and so upset that I actually went to his room to see if he was ok. Thankfully, he was :)

Still not feeling well today and work was such a challenge. It is our busiest week of the month and I just had no energy and at one point, felt like I should just take my laptop out to the washroom trailer and set up office from a stall.

I've eaten barely enough to keep my blood sugar level today. Drank lots and lots of water and herbal tea...but really I just want another cup of tea, a hot shower and bed.

So needless to say, I did not do the Shred  yesterday and I'm not seeing it happen tonight either. I will start though and I will keep going with the rest of Tiffany's crew - I'll just be a few days behind.

I am not giving up.

Bright light in today, I have been promised an interview for an internal position I applied for.  Currently I work as an Administrative Assistant at one of our construction sites. The position I applied for is Executive Assistant to the Senior Vice President of our division and is in our Head Office which is less than 10 minutes from home, instead of an hour + (sometimes) commute each way.  I don't know when the interview will be yet, but hopefully it will be in a few days when I am feeling better and looking less haggard.  Time to go through the closet and find something professional that fits ..... I've been wearing jeans/khakis to the site for the last 6 months and I am sure all my suits are going to be too big.

More later, the kettle is whistling and I can hear the bathtub calling me.

Sunday A.M. – Not a good start

Hike is off. I started out to meet Tina, and had to stop three times to use the washroom. My stomach is so upset. It was upset  off and on all night last night but I thought I was pretty much over it.  I only had some tea and toast for breakfast and it seemed settled but once I got in the car and started moving – oh my gosh!  The cramps and the feeling of nausea were bad.  My stomach feels bloated and huge and I keep burping as well (TMI sorry!!). Sorry Tina and Sadie – I was SOOOO looking forward to it.

I think its definitely the two restaurant meals yesterday. I don’t think I’m sick or have the flu, other than my stomach, I feel fine. I don’t mean the meals were bad or off, I just think they were too heavy and greasy compared to what I’ve been eating the last few months and twice in one day was just too much.

I am just waiting for the kettle to boil to make some more tea then I am going back to bed and seeing if I can sleep this off.  I am committed to Tiffany for the 30 Day Shred and I am not going to let either of us down!

Just an update on one of my personal challenges – to be 199 by October 30. I am 5 weeks and about 14 lbs away. To lose 3lbs a week is hugely ambitious and I haven’t done that in a very long time.  I am not giving up on my goal – no way! I am determined to be 199 by my 42nd birthday and if not,  I will be damned close.  I am going to have ramp up the exercise and definitely be very, very focused on what I am eating.  Not only sticking to my points but being more focused on what I use those points for. I *know* that high glycemic foods cause me lose slower so I’m going to cut back on them – or at least the portion sizes – as much as possible. I am not going to deprive myself. I don’t want to be 199 on my birthday and then 250 by Christmas.  But I need to get more serious and more focused if I am going to meet that goal and it’s not impossible, it’s very doable.

In some ways, I feel like the whole month of August was wasted, for three weeks I went up and down the same 1.5-2lbs – it was crazy. At the time I thought I was doing the best I could, but I KNOW I can do better and when I pay more attention to everything I DO do better.  I am trying very hard not to become a fanatic about this weight loss thing – I want this time to stick. I want this time to be for the rest of my life and I know obsessing now and then slacking off when I get close to goal will set me up for failure so I’d rather go slow now and make  changes I can stick with. 

My five keys for success are:

1. Track everything, every day.
2. 30 Day Shred everyday for 30 days (Let’s go Tiffany – we CAN do this!)
3. Limit high glycemic foods, especially the “white’s” – (flour, sugar, pasta)
4. Blog every day.
5. Water, water, water, water, water.

I know from past experience this also makes me feel physically, emotionally and mentally well. My mind is clearer, I have more emotional strength and I feel “lighter”…does that make sense?

This is my 5 part, 40 day challenge to myself.

Today is Day 1.

Saturday - Day 1 of the Weekend

Today was a busy Saturday. I had some errands to do this morning and then since it was just Iain and I (Den and Liam are away until tomorrow night), we went out for breakfast. I ordered my usual, fried eggs, bacon, homefries and toast...and I really didn't enjoy it as much as I usually do. It's been ages since we had breakfast out and I thought it would be a nice treat for Iain and I...he enjoyed his breakfast and the time out with just me. I enjoyed his company. It was nice to talk to him and catch up with him, but my breakfast just seemed..meh.

Then we went over to my sister's apt and went with her and her husband to see the model of their new house that is being built. It is gorgeous! I am so thrilled for her. Then they wanted to take us out to lunch and we went to Montana's. I ordered a burger and sweet potato fries. Again, I was not impressed with the meal.

There was a time when we ate out 3-4 times a week and I really enjoyed it. Now we might eat out twice a month, if that, so I guess my palate has changed and I appreciate, fresh, homecooked meals much more. The restaurant meals seemed heavy, over salted and just not appealing at all. As well, there seemed to be so much food on my plate, I didn't finish either meal.

Tomorrow morning I am off on a hike with Tina and I am so looking forward to it. It is also the first day of Tiffany's 30 Day Shred Challenge that I've joined, so I am not sure if I will do that before or after my hike...but I will do it tomorrow so I can support her and I can get motivation from her and the rest of the challengers.

I'm off to bed now, I am sitting here barely able to keep my eyes open. I hope you've all had a wonderful Saturday. I will catch up with you tomorrow.

The Biggest Loser - I'm in!

I managed to find the first episode online on City TV - a local Toronto television station. I had no idea they had online episodes!! I knew NBC.com did but we don't have access because we're in Canada.

Anyway, this is my first EVER episode of The Biggest Loser.

I can't say Jillian surprised me as I've heard her yell and push on "The 30 Day Shred". I liked Bob :)

My favourite contestant is Amanda, I think because her starting weight was the same as mine and I think she is the smallest one there. From my journey so far, I know that the more weight you need to lose, the more you lose in the beginning. Even though they are using percentages, it is still very discouraging to see someone lose 19 lbs in one week and then have yourself work just as hard and only lose 6 lbs. I am so glad she didn't go home.

When Jillian was yelling at Shay about stories in her head, I could totally relate. We do create stories in our heads, stories about our limitations, stories about what we are, stories about what define us, stories about what we want to be and why can't be.

I am a huge believer in positive thinking, in believing that your reality starts in your head and your reality is what you believe it to be. Inside my head, I am slim and healthy and athletic - and I know what I need to do to make that mental picture a reality and you know what? I *am* doing it. Every day, every hour, every minute.

I am on my way.

The Biggest Loser - is that me cause I didn't watch it?

I had no intentions of watching this. I've never seen one single episode.

But now everyone is talking about it and I feel left out!!!!

I wish I could find a rerun of the first episode from Tuesday. Does anyone have it on DVD they'd be willing to send me a copy or know where I can download it?

I vow faithfully to watch episode 2 next week. I want to be in the cool Biggest Loser crowd!!!!

213.2

That’s what the scale said for today’s Weigh In.  Considering the bad day I had last Friday and how much I consumed…I’m happy that I was able to turn it around and still see a fair loss.  My waist size is 38”.

I’ve completely fallen off the exercise wagon except for 20 min or so walks.

Ross (my coworker) bought me another Toasted Coconut donut from Tim’s today and I told him I couldn’t eat it and asked that he doesn’t bring me one routinely anymore. I told him I’d still have one with him occasionally, but every day was just too much. It was easier than I thought and he said, “No problem. Let me know when you want me to get you one.”

Nothing else interesting to tell today. It was a relatively average day in the Life of Enz.

I am reading a novel by Paulo Coelho, “The Devil and Miss Prym”.  Have any of you read it? I’ve only just started and I’m about 1/3 of the way in I guess. One line jumped out at me.

“People want to change everything, and, at the same time, want it all to remain the same.”

I was thinking how this relates to this journey. I would love to keep eating chocolate and ice cream and toasted coconut donuts but at the same time I want to lose weight, I want to be healthier. Although I understand the need for a change in my behaviours and habits – deep down – I wish things could stay the same AND I could have the changes I want. 

It’s also all a bit scary.  In 5 more pounds I will be at the lowest I’ve been since Liam was born (12 1/2 years) and I’ve never gotten to below 200 before. I would get stuck around 210 or so and just give up and then gain all the weight back plus more.  210 seems to be my “mental plateau”.  This time I need to get past it. I have to want the change more than I want things to stay the same.

Restaurant Makeover – Red Robin Blackened Chicken Burger

This is one my favourite “burgers”. We don’t have a Red Robin in Toronto but whenever I am in Buffalo, it is my favourite place to stop for a quick, delicious and inexpensive lunch.

Their menu is so varied and they are so good about customizing.  I always order the Blackened Chicken Burger and substitute the onion/lettuce/tomato for hot and spicy salsa. It is so delicious and spicy. Sometimes my eyes tear up from the spiciness of it.  It clocks in at 18 points!!!

Today I decided to make my own, healthier, lower point version for lunch.

Ingredients:

• 1 boneless chicken breast (about 4 oz uncooked)
• 1 Arnold’s Whole Wheat Sandwich Thin
• 1/2 oz. low fat cheese, grated finely
• 1 tbsp bottled salsa
• 1 cup sliced onions
• cayenne pepper, black pepper and salt to taste
• 1 tsp olive oil

I started by rubbing the chicken breast with cayenne pepper, black pepper and salt and then putting it in the fridge for about 10 minutes for the rub to get into the meat. Then I cooked it in a non stick pan until cooked all the way through. I wanted to grill it but didn’t want to turn on the BBQ for one piece of meat.

While the chicken was cooking, I fried the onions in a non stick pan with 1 tsp of olive oil, more black pepper and cayenne pepper and salt.

When the chicken was done and the onions nice and carmelized, I put the chicken on the bottom half of the sandwich thin, then the onions, then the grated cheese and topped it with salsa, and then the top bun.

D.E.L.I.C.I.O.U.S.

I wish I had thought to take a picture of it…I can’t seem to get in the habit of photographing my food!!

It came in at 7 points.  The only thing I will do differently next time is toast the sandwich thin as the salsa and onions made it a little soggy. It was a definite contender to the original and just as messily delicious.

Never Giving Up

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit: I Think You Can Do This: "Your post hit home today. I made a post on the Weight Watcher Canada board this morning.

'I've accepted that this healthy lifestyle is for life. The changes I'm making now are for life. If I have a bad day now and again that is part of my life. I have crap days at work, crap days as a parent, crap days as a wife - but I don't say 'It's too much work. I can't be bothered. I give up.' I get up the next day and try again and try harder. I deserve just as much effort as I put into everything else."

Just everyday stuff.

Hello everyone, I hope you all had a great day.

Mine was ….so – so. I was very busy at work, but not interesting/challenging busy, just busywork busy, ya know? I felt totally unproductive and unmotivated but I kept plugging away because the work had to be done.

Sort of luckily, I had to leave early for a dental appt. I have my permanent bridge for my front teeth now. It looks only *slightly* better than the temporary plastic one I had.  To be truthful, I hate it. It makes my mouth look huge. I never minded smiling when I had my natural teeth even though they were crooked but now – I don’t know – I look in the mirror and it just looks horrible.

The dentist says I will get used it and that it looks natural. Natural for a horse maybe (no offense to horses!) but not a person.

And it was so expensive! I wasn’t expecting a movie star smile….just to look “normal”.

Eating wise I did ok. We did go to Wendy’s for lunch (because although I packed my lunch and snacks, it seems TAKING them with me is a new challenge I have to overcome) but I had a small chili and a baked potato and the points weren’t much more than I would have had for my regular lunch and snacks and since the lunch was more than I normally eat, I didn’t need the snacks, so it all worked out. My lovely coworker, Ross, bought me another toasted coconut donut today and I succumbed. I’m going to have to ask him not to buy them for me. I know I can NOT eat it when he gives it to me…but really, I can’t – you know? So…I will just ask him to get me a tea instead. I love Tim’s steeped tea.

Dinner tonight was egg on an Arnold’s sandwich thin and I’m pretty much wiped for tonight.  I missed Top Chef last night and I’m a bit disappointed, but it will be on next week and one episode is much like the next. Tonight Hell’s Kitchen is on, but I’m not in the mood for “over the top” Gordon.

I don’t have to pack my lunch and snacks for tomorrow as I will just take (I hope) today’s and then just have a shake for breakfast again.  

Anyway, like yesterday I am just chugging along, literally taking one day at a time.

Chugging Away.

Today is back to basics.

• Writing down everything I eat
• Drinking lots of water
• Staying within my daily points
• Meeting the 8 Good Health Guidelines

I did okay this morning and while at work. I stuck to my plan.  I had a Carnation Instant Breakfast with skim milk this morning, then some Mac and Cheese and a yogurt for lunch, a Fibre One bar for snack this afternoon and then a homemade banana muffin as a pre-dinner snack.

When I got home I had a fight with Den and the boys and I just was not in the mood to cook, so I left them to it and grabbed a leftover slice of veggie pizza from the fridge (4 points). I am still so upset with them – I don’t even want to go to downstairs to sit with them and watch Top Chef.  I’ll have a bowl of cereal before bed with my last diabetes med and then go to bed early. So although the evening wasn’t as I planned it, I stayed within my points and did well for the day. 

Right now I just want to curl up and shut out the world, you know?

I feel more “normal” physically today and my appetite was normal as well. I have my meals ready for tomorrow morning to take with me and I’ve planned either cereal or a Carnation Instant Breakfast for the morning, I have to be at work early so it depends how motivated I am in the morning. Although they are both the same amount of work to make – the shake is just mix with milk, the cereal (pre measured) is just add milk – the shake seems easier to “eat” and I can take it in the car with me if I am short on time.

Sunday and the games The Scale plays.

Hello everyone in Blogland!!

I'm doing ok today. Today I just did not feel like eating - I woefully underate today but I still feel really bloated and blech. So I stuck to clean and whole foods today and lots of lemon water. Hopefully I will feel "normal" by tomorrow.

So I told you all about my carb and fried food fest on Friday, right? Now, I'm an everyday weigher. Friday morning I weighed 215. Saturday morning I weighed --- hold on tight --- 221!!! 6lbs of water and sodium bloatedness. Isn't that ridiculous???? Today I am at 216 and I am hoping to lose the last of Friday's debacle before my next weigh in on Thursday. Just goes to show that the scale is not a true indicator of our success all the time.

To have gained 5lbs over night I would have to have consumed 17,500 calories ON TOP of whatever my body needs to sustain itself. I know I ate alot - but I am quite confident it was nowhere near that many calories!!

Anyway, I am all planned and packed OP for tomorrow so it WILL be a good eating day and I WILL feel better by Tuesday.

Have a good Sunday night everyone!!!

Saturday’s Journey

After yesterday’s many, many food indiscretions, I woke up feeling bloated, sick and carb hungover.  The good thing that came out of it is that I am reminded if I put crap in my body, I feel like crap! 

 

It will be hard to stay on track today with the travelling and eating out – but I can make far better choices.

 

Then tomorrow I will plan for the week and make sure the rest of the week I eat healthily and within my calorie budget.

 

I picked up Carnation Instant Shakes for the coming weeks – I know “real” food is the best for breakfast – but when I can’t or won’t do that – these are a good alternative.  I usually turn them in green monsters by adding spinach, and half a banana as well.

 

One day is not going to ruin 7 months (and 35lbs) of hard work.

Bender

 

Aren’t I cute? This is what I felt like today.

I am on some kind of bender today. I have eaten nothing but crap since I woke up this morning.

I had McD's for breakfast - McMuffin and hashbrown - wierd thing is I NEVER eat hashbrowns. I don't like fried food at all. I washed it down with Diet Coke (something had to be calorie-wise!).

Lunch was a Spicy Chicken Sandwich (another fried food) , fries (yep...they're fried!)  Diet Coke *and* a chocolate milkshake from Wendy's. THEN, Ross bought me a toasted coconut donut from Tim's. (We share a passion for them!). This is more junk food in one day than I've eaten in the last month I think or any month. I am not a junk food whore usually.

Good thing is, I was meant to go to dinner with some coworkers but it was cancelled. The rate I was going I would not have made healthy choices at the steak house either, but then I went to a buffet restaurant.  I was going to see a friend who has been ill and unable to drive and she asked if I would go to dinner with her at Tucker’s Marketplace.

Tucker’s Marketplace is a buffet style carvery restaurant. Lots of healthy food – and lots and lots and lots of unhealthy food and decadent desserts.

I ate way too much today. I feel physically ill. I honestly cannot remember the last time I ate so much in one day – and so much crap.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will have to get back on track.

Must read Blog Entry from Jack Sh*t

League of Their Own

http://jackfit.blogspot.com/2009/09/league-of-their-own.html?showComment=1252432517953#c2931477172599596808

OMG! You have to go read this post from Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit. Warning, do not have liquid in your mouth when you read or liquid may be ejected all over computer screen.

Labour Day - Life is labourious!

Morning everyone,

I woke up this morning with a renewed sense of purpose and tired of feeling overwhelmed and stressed by life.

Fall is always the signal of a fresh start for me - much more so than January or Spring is. I know I can't "fix" some of the things in my life, but I refuse to let them rule me or to get into a rut.

I have a dear friend who is a kind of life coach and he is helping me to see patterns in my behaviour and feelings and I think this will help me get through this. Another dear friend told me I do best when I have a plan and goals and I need to stay focused on them - he's right - but life gets in the way and although I hate myself for this later, I seem to put all my own goals on the side line while I am working on "life". I think I need to realise that my life isn't compartmentalized - well I have realised that - I just need to work on accepting it. The compartments aren't neat rooms like in an old Victorian house, they are more open concept like a new condo. They all run together and its hard to see where my marriage and my weight loss efforts and raising my kids are seperate issues, the lines are blurred...does that make sense?

I know that writing this blog every day helps me stay focused on my weight loss efforts and on a healthy lifestyle, so stopping because I have other stuff on my mind, just doesn't make sense. The point is to keep it in my mind all the time to the point I don't have to think about it, it just is.

Tomorrow the boys go back to school. This means regular meal times, packing lunches every night and eating as a family again - this imposed control will make life easier for me until I can get my sh*t together myself.

So despite my lack of tracking the past week I ate well, when I did eat - which wasn't often enough. I didn't do any formal exercise but I did walk every day for at least 20 minutes. The scale this morning says 214.8 which is 2lbs down from last Monday when I did my monthly measurements. I am still determined to hit 199 by October 30th.

Sometimes I analyse things too much instead of just doing them. I'm going to try to DO more and THINK less.

Let's see how it goes :)

Just checking in.

Just wanted to let you all know I have not dropped off the planet. I am still here. I am still working at my weight loss and I still read all your blogs every day without fail.

There is alot going on in my personal life right now that is causing alot of stress and I find when I am stressed I withdraw to think, to plan, to just deal with life.

I appreciate that you are all here and your posts keep me motivated to continue with my lifestyle changes so I don't come back 10lbs heavier than when I left.

Hugs.

Enz