Titles can be misleading.

Look up at the title of my blog.  Downward TrEnz.

When I was thinking about my title, I wanted something that would reflect what my blog was about and be a play on my name - Downward TrEnz seemed perfect.

The downward part? Not so much.

The last two weeks, I've been eating more.  I have to tell you, it was difficult to eat more. I found myself making excuses to NOT eat more...but I did. For the last 14 days, I've stayed between 1450-1550 calories. Every day. Without fail. I kept my exercise the same - treadmill, 30-45 min - 5-6 x a week.  My 300 extra calories were healthy, vegetables, whole grains, lean protein - I wasn't eating cheeseburgers and fries and ice cream to hit that number.

Results? No drumroll please.

I have gained 6 lbs.

I have to say the first week I gained 3. I was worried, I was confused, I was angry.  Even though I knew it could happen, that it might be my body hanging on until it new this new 1500 game was here to stay...so I kept at it.  End of week 2, I am 6 lbs up. I am horrified, I am scared and I am just plain pissed at the world.  I am very close to 220.  220 is a number I never want to see again.  I don't know what to do now. I don't know if I should continue for another two weeks, risk gaining more weight - you all know those 6 lbs won't come off as fast as they went on.

I'm not asking for advice, honestly - I know some of you are going to want to throw some at me - really - I am not in the frame of mind for advice. Tonight I feel like I have tried and done everything I'm supposed to and I'm still failing.  I know how far I've come, I know how long it's taken to get here - I'm not discounting that - but if I can't continue, if I can't get to a healthy weight then I have failed. 

Today, for the first time in just over a year  - I am questioning if I can actually do this, if I am strong enough, if I am smart enough, if I want it enough.

Today for the first time in a year, I deliberately did not count calories or points. I ate three meals and two snacks - normal sized portions, normal foods  I eat every day, no splurges or indulgences. The menu today was not different from any other healthy eating day I've had lately. I felt panicked all day - I felt like I had to count, I had to write it down....I didn't. I forced  myself to do something else, I forced myself to stop mentally counting.  It was hard. I know the meals were healthy, I know they were in my calorie range and yet  I was so scared of overeating. How could I? I premade all my meals myself, I know what was in them - after a year, you pretty much memorize the points in all your every day foods.

I'm not sure where I was going with this post;  just to update you all on this 1500 calorie experiment at the 2 week mark, just to put it all in words to see if made more sense (it doesn't ), just to know that I am still here, not giving up because that's never been an option; just to say that tomorrow's another day and I will wake up and fight another day.