Life is hard right now. I seem to be living more in my mind than in my life. A lot of issues have come to the surface this week...things I had forgotten, or have been trying to forget and some people from my past have intruded into my now.
None of this is bad. Most of it is good, it's just very emotional and very draining and very tiring and I am finding myself second guessing alot of my life's decisions. Not regrets. Just wondering about the roads not taken and the people I've left behind, or who have left me behind.
At 15 I was in love with a wonderful boy. He was funny, smart, cute and the best kisser :) Somewhere between 15 and 16 he started to take drugs. By 16, he was lost to all of us. The last time I saw him he didn't even know I was leaving and saying goodbye, he was so out of it. Life went on and I not only left him behind, but his entire family. A few years ago, his family looked me up (the magic of Facebook) for me to learn that he was dying. He was 35 and he never recovered from being 16 and his addictions. I had planned to go see him, but he died before I could. The last time I saw him was at his funeral.
Talking to another old friend from that same time in my life, brought back all these memories and hopes and wishes and for some reason, I can't seem to turn my mind off. You think the past is safe tucked away but it's not, and I think just this week, I am finally grieving him, but not just him, the loss of my innocence.
I will be fine. I just need to get through this. I learned last year, when my husband was ill, that taking care of me when I feel sad and overwhelmed is the most important thing I can do. Sleep right, eat right and get some exercise and the world always seems a better place tomorrow.
Apr 29, 2010
Apr 26, 2010
Working Through the Crisis
Thanks for all your wonderful comments on yesterday's post. You guys never cease to amaze me with your support, understanding and suggestions.
Tonight I went to my friend's condo again to use their gym and pool. I did 2.57 km (30 minutes) on the treadmill at a faster pace than Saturday and also 15 minutes of swimming laps and 15 minutes of water jogging and 5 minutes on the ellipitical. This is the longest I have ever spent on the elliptical because I don't feel safe on it for some reason. I wanted to use the stairmaster but it was out of order. So I'm going to try and build up my time on the elliptical.
Foodwise I'm actually ok, I may have 1-2 days a months where I go a little nuts (Hello TOM!) but even then I am within my points for the week overall, so I'm going to try and put more focus on exercise and balance in my life.
I have truly become obsessed with weight loss and food and that can't be good.
Tonight I went to my friend's condo again to use their gym and pool. I did 2.57 km (30 minutes) on the treadmill at a faster pace than Saturday and also 15 minutes of swimming laps and 15 minutes of water jogging and 5 minutes on the ellipitical. This is the longest I have ever spent on the elliptical because I don't feel safe on it for some reason. I wanted to use the stairmaster but it was out of order. So I'm going to try and build up my time on the elliptical.
Foodwise I'm actually ok, I may have 1-2 days a months where I go a little nuts (Hello TOM!) but even then I am within my points for the week overall, so I'm going to try and put more focus on exercise and balance in my life.
I have truly become obsessed with weight loss and food and that can't be good.
Apr 25, 2010
Crisis of Faith
....in myself.
I've had a pretty good week but nothing really exciting to blog about. I missed a few days walking last week but managed to get out there most days. Yesterday I spent some time at the gym and pool at a friend's condo and did 30 min on the treadmill, 20 min on the bike and then 30 minutes water jogging in the pool. Then we did a spur of the moment trip to Buffalo. It was a long day, and I was glad when we finally got home.
Today the weather was cold and rainy and it just affected my mood negatively. I had zero motivation to do anything and spent most of the day reading or listening to music.
On a good note, I heard from an old friend via Facebook last week and it was wonderful to reconnect with him and catch up the last ten years.
I am still not sure what is going on with me and this weight loss effort. I am exercising more than I ever have, not overeating or bingeing and just not succeeding. It takes alot of planning and effort to eat right and find time to exercise and that doesn't seem to be paying off right now.
Still, as I keep reminding myself - EVERY DAY - there's no going back - only forward.
I've had a pretty good week but nothing really exciting to blog about. I missed a few days walking last week but managed to get out there most days. Yesterday I spent some time at the gym and pool at a friend's condo and did 30 min on the treadmill, 20 min on the bike and then 30 minutes water jogging in the pool. Then we did a spur of the moment trip to Buffalo. It was a long day, and I was glad when we finally got home.
Today the weather was cold and rainy and it just affected my mood negatively. I had zero motivation to do anything and spent most of the day reading or listening to music.
On a good note, I heard from an old friend via Facebook last week and it was wonderful to reconnect with him and catch up the last ten years.
I am still not sure what is going on with me and this weight loss effort. I am exercising more than I ever have, not overeating or bingeing and just not succeeding. It takes alot of planning and effort to eat right and find time to exercise and that doesn't seem to be paying off right now.
Still, as I keep reminding myself - EVERY DAY - there's no going back - only forward.
Apr 18, 2010
Give me sleep or give me....
not sure what.
I am fighting sleep today.
I didn't get up until almost 10:30 and I really, really, really had to pull myself out my warm, comfy bed. I pulled on workout clothes and did Level 1 of The 30 Day Shred and then 1 hour of yoga. Afterbeing tortured by Jillian the workout, the yoga felt really good and the stretching helped to wake me up. It wasn't easy though, I was sweating through the yoga poses and some of them I can't quite do yet. Quick breakfast of cereal with Almond Breenze, then a hot and sweaty me hit the bath. I am sure I fell asleep for a moment as I soaked in the hot water scented with Bath and Body Works Japanese Cherry Blossom.
Then...out of the bath, dried off and started to read for a bit, I caught myself several times nodding off so I finally gave up and pulled the comforter over me and closed my eyes.
3 hours later I woke up feeling refreshed and alert...but so hungry!!
Quick lunch of Thomas' bagel thin, tomato and cheese and a cup of coffee and I feel like I can take on the day...um..yeah...at 4 o'clock! The only thing on today's agenda at this point is to drive my son's girlfriend back to Milton, do a load of laundry and get in a walk. I may try to stay up a bit later to make sure I sleep through the night.
Dinner is going to be easy and quick as well, some grilled haddock and oven roasted vegetables.
Hope you are all having a great weekend.
Oh, just to clarify regarding a comment Matt left on yesterday's post about The End of Overeating, the author doesn't say to NEVER eat out - that was my generalized take on his message. I don't subscribe to the deprive yourself of everything school of weight loss and I don't think I could make it through my entire life never eating out again. I think the problem, for me personally, is that I don't use eating out as a substitute for a meal I would eat at home - I use it as an "event" and eat foods and quantities of foods that I would not eat at home. Events are ok, once in a while, but when it's once a week, that one meal can undo all the calories I've saved all week and leave me feeling bloated, heavy and mad at myself - so it's just not worth it to me anymore. I still go out, of course I do, it's a social thing too, right? But I now try to think of it as a meal and not an event - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
I am fighting sleep today.
I didn't get up until almost 10:30 and I really, really, really had to pull myself out my warm, comfy bed. I pulled on workout clothes and did Level 1 of The 30 Day Shred and then 1 hour of yoga. After
Then...out of the bath, dried off and started to read for a bit, I caught myself several times nodding off so I finally gave up and pulled the comforter over me and closed my eyes.
3 hours later I woke up feeling refreshed and alert...but so hungry!!
Quick lunch of Thomas' bagel thin, tomato and cheese and a cup of coffee and I feel like I can take on the day...um..yeah...at 4 o'clock! The only thing on today's agenda at this point is to drive my son's girlfriend back to Milton, do a load of laundry and get in a walk. I may try to stay up a bit later to make sure I sleep through the night.
Dinner is going to be easy and quick as well, some grilled haddock and oven roasted vegetables.
Hope you are all having a great weekend.
Oh, just to clarify regarding a comment Matt left on yesterday's post about The End of Overeating, the author doesn't say to NEVER eat out - that was my generalized take on his message. I don't subscribe to the deprive yourself of everything school of weight loss and I don't think I could make it through my entire life never eating out again. I think the problem, for me personally, is that I don't use eating out as a substitute for a meal I would eat at home - I use it as an "event" and eat foods and quantities of foods that I would not eat at home. Events are ok, once in a while, but when it's once a week, that one meal can undo all the calories I've saved all week and leave me feeling bloated, heavy and mad at myself - so it's just not worth it to me anymore. I still go out, of course I do, it's a social thing too, right? But I now try to think of it as a meal and not an event - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Apr 17, 2010
Back to Life
Hello everyone,
I feel like I've been on a long trip and just got back and all my friends are doing great things and I'm sitting here scratching my head wondering how I'm going to catch up!
Trust me, it was no Caribbean cruise. The last two weeks have been fraught with allergic reactions, long work hours, family drama and processed carb overload.
I spent yesterday planning and today I am back in the game. I got up before everyone else this morning and headed out for a walk in the cold wind and drizzle that April 17 has decided to give us in the Toronto area. It was very, very cold - this pushed me to walk faster. I was out 32 minutes and did 2.57 km. I'm happy with that considering I haven't walked more than ten minutes at a time in the last two weeks.
I've meal planned for the week and will be heading out to get groceries shortly - I have some new recipes to try so I will try and post those at some point.
I read The End of Overeating by David Kessler. It was very interesting and enjoyable to read as well. The book is basically divided into two sections, the first section deals with the food manufacturers in North America and how they engineer food to make it "craveable" and how this affects our brain chemicals and may lead to bingeing and overeating. The second half talks about strategies to cope with this and to break the cycle. The strategies were very similar to Beck's strategies but Kessler is much less preachy and more entertaining. Parts of the first section were a bit repetitive, but it certainly drove his message home: DO NOT EAT OUT!!! if you want to eat healthy and lose weight.
I have to give a big shout out to Tiffany and Ann this week. Tiffany always keeps me sane and motivates me and gives me encouragement even when I'm being a whiny baby or a whinging idiot - thanks Tiffany! Ann is a huge inspiration to me, she's had a rough time of it but is a huge success and whenever I start to think my life sucks, I think how much worse she has had it and thank my lucky stars. She has also given me some great advice this week, based on her own experiences, and a heck of alot encouragement. These two great ladies have given me renewed motivation and hope today. Thank you both!
I also want to give a huge shout out to my bloggy friend, Erin, who did Day 1, Week 1 of the Couch To 5K program this week. I know how daunting it seems to start something like that and to do it alone and I am so thrilled for her that she's taken this step. Way to go Erin!!!
Have a great Saturday everyone, catch you later!
I feel like I've been on a long trip and just got back and all my friends are doing great things and I'm sitting here scratching my head wondering how I'm going to catch up!
Trust me, it was no Caribbean cruise. The last two weeks have been fraught with allergic reactions, long work hours, family drama and processed carb overload.
I spent yesterday planning and today I am back in the game. I got up before everyone else this morning and headed out for a walk in the cold wind and drizzle that April 17 has decided to give us in the Toronto area. It was very, very cold - this pushed me to walk faster. I was out 32 minutes and did 2.57 km. I'm happy with that considering I haven't walked more than ten minutes at a time in the last two weeks.
I've meal planned for the week and will be heading out to get groceries shortly - I have some new recipes to try so I will try and post those at some point.
I read The End of Overeating by David Kessler. It was very interesting and enjoyable to read as well. The book is basically divided into two sections, the first section deals with the food manufacturers in North America and how they engineer food to make it "craveable" and how this affects our brain chemicals and may lead to bingeing and overeating. The second half talks about strategies to cope with this and to break the cycle. The strategies were very similar to Beck's strategies but Kessler is much less preachy and more entertaining. Parts of the first section were a bit repetitive, but it certainly drove his message home: DO NOT EAT OUT!!! if you want to eat healthy and lose weight.
I have to give a big shout out to Tiffany and Ann this week. Tiffany always keeps me sane and motivates me and gives me encouragement even when I'm being a whiny baby or a whinging idiot - thanks Tiffany! Ann is a huge inspiration to me, she's had a rough time of it but is a huge success and whenever I start to think my life sucks, I think how much worse she has had it and thank my lucky stars. She has also given me some great advice this week, based on her own experiences, and a heck of alot encouragement. These two great ladies have given me renewed motivation and hope today. Thank you both!
I also want to give a huge shout out to my bloggy friend, Erin, who did Day 1, Week 1 of the Couch To 5K program this week. I know how daunting it seems to start something like that and to do it alone and I am so thrilled for her that she's taken this step. Way to go Erin!!!
Have a great Saturday everyone, catch you later!
Apr 13, 2010
Wierd and Wired
I've just spent half an hour trying to access my blog...and blogger wouldn't let me, I finally got in, in a round about way. Very wierd.
The last two weeks have been a bit odd. I haven't been walking as regularly, for various reasons (some of them not very good excuses and some legitimate reasons) but am confident I will get my walking groove back because I'm going to take it back.
In terms of eating, I've been doing not so bad overall but have had a few days where I didn't eat enough and a few where I overate - mostly restaurant food and the overeating was because of the way the food was cooked not the portion size...which is just as bad, really.
I think my head is on straight again now.
So who's coming the blogger meetup?
Here are the details as I can't seem to get the &*&^% link to work, no matter what I try.
Host: Toronto GTG Bloggers
Location: Fresh
326 Bloor Street West
Toronto, ON M5S 1W5 Canada
View Map
When: Saturday, May 15, 11:00AM
Talk to you all later, have a nice evening!
The last two weeks have been a bit odd. I haven't been walking as regularly, for various reasons (some of them not very good excuses and some legitimate reasons) but am confident I will get my walking groove back because I'm going to take it back.
In terms of eating, I've been doing not so bad overall but have had a few days where I didn't eat enough and a few where I overate - mostly restaurant food and the overeating was because of the way the food was cooked not the portion size...which is just as bad, really.
I think my head is on straight again now.
So who's coming the blogger meetup?
Here are the details as I can't seem to get the &*&^% link to work, no matter what I try.
Host: Toronto GTG Bloggers
Location: Fresh
326 Bloor Street West
Toronto, ON M5S 1W5 Canada
View Map
When: Saturday, May 15, 11:00AM
Talk to you all later, have a nice evening!
Apr 7, 2010
Come One, Come All
Dawne, Kimberley, Leanne, Katie, Crystal....and anyone else within driving distance of Toronto.
It's blogger meet up time!!!
Here's the evite, if you'd like to come, even if you want to be tentative (you can confirm later) - feel free to sign up using the evite or send me an email at downwardtrenz AT gmail DOT com and I will send you an evite to respond to. This way our organizer, Kat, can make sufficient reservations.
Evite Link
Come on......don't ya wanna meet me???? (And the other GTG blogging lovelies - Tiffany, Kerry, Erin, Kat, Kate, Andrea and Allie).
Of course you do - I'm cute as a button in person :)
For those coming from the West, I can fit three people in my car and would love to pick you up from a GO Station and chauffeur you to the event :)
Have you signed up yet? What are you waiting for????
Apr 1, 2010
Let The Weekend Begin!
I have lots of plans for the weekend so I may not post again until my weekly update on Sunday night...so I wish you all a wonderful Easter or a wonderful Spring weekend (or Fall weekend for my Aussie friends!). OK how about this - have a great couple of days!!!
Friday is a statutory holiday in Ontario and I may just take Monday as a vacation day. The boys have it off from school and although they would rather spend the day with friends than with Mom and Dad, it may be nice to have the extra day as a family.
Tomorrow I am meeting my friend Shelley, and hoping to convince her for a short walk around her neighbourhood - it's about 1 km around her block taking a short path at the lakefront and we may or may not stop into pass by Coldstone Creamery. I'm also picking up The End of Overeating from her. I'm looking forward to reading it based on all the blogger recommendations I've heard about it.
Saturday I'm meeting Tiffany for a walk at the Oakville waterfront and then Sunday I'm meeting Tina and Sadie for a walk somewhere and then if I take Monday off I'm planning a walk somewhere different - either the Toronto Zoo or the island trails. The weather is going to be gorgeous and I want to soak up all the Vitamin D I can.
The last few weeks have been really good for me in all areas of my life - emotional, family, work - and it is really making this weight loss effort seem effortless right now. I'm making the most of it while it lasts.
Look at this from my Nike+ for March. I am so thrilled to see my progress like this. It really motivates me and reminds me that every day is an opportunity to do something towards my healthy and fit goal and nothing is too small. I actually had two more walks that weren't recorded here because the Nike sensor crapped out on me.
Over 55 km and 5500 calories!
I'm setting weekly goals but I'm also going to set a monthly goal for April. 66 km and 6600 calories, just because it appeals to my love of symmetry :) Also my longest streak was 5 days in a row, so I'm going to go for 7 days in a row in April. In case you hadn't guessed, I am a complete data geek and crunching data makes me happy :) When I'm happy, I stay motivated and positive - and then good things happen!
Look at this from my Nike+ for March. I am so thrilled to see my progress like this. It really motivates me and reminds me that every day is an opportunity to do something towards my healthy and fit goal and nothing is too small. I actually had two more walks that weren't recorded here because the Nike sensor crapped out on me.
Over 55 km and 5500 calories!
I'm setting weekly goals but I'm also going to set a monthly goal for April. 66 km and 6600 calories, just because it appeals to my love of symmetry :) Also my longest streak was 5 days in a row, so I'm going to go for 7 days in a row in April. In case you hadn't guessed, I am a complete data geek and crunching data makes me happy :) When I'm happy, I stay motivated and positive - and then good things happen!
Thursday
| Points Eaten | 26/26 + 20 FP (lets call this the "cookie incident" |
| Activity Points Earned | 3 |
Moving (goal 420 min) Today Week Total | 41 164 (256 to goal) |
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