Life is hard right now. I seem to be living more in my mind than in my life. A lot of issues have come to the surface this week...things I had forgotten, or have been trying to forget and some people from my past have intruded into my now.
None of this is bad. Most of it is good, it's just very emotional and very draining and very tiring and I am finding myself second guessing alot of my life's decisions. Not regrets. Just wondering about the roads not taken and the people I've left behind, or who have left me behind.
At 15 I was in love with a wonderful boy. He was funny, smart, cute and the best kisser :) Somewhere between 15 and 16 he started to take drugs. By 16, he was lost to all of us. The last time I saw him he didn't even know I was leaving and saying goodbye, he was so out of it. Life went on and I not only left him behind, but his entire family. A few years ago, his family looked me up (the magic of Facebook) for me to learn that he was dying. He was 35 and he never recovered from being 16 and his addictions. I had planned to go see him, but he died before I could. The last time I saw him was at his funeral.
Talking to another old friend from that same time in my life, brought back all these memories and hopes and wishes and for some reason, I can't seem to turn my mind off. You think the past is safe tucked away but it's not, and I think just this week, I am finally grieving him, but not just him, the loss of my innocence.
I will be fine. I just need to get through this. I learned last year, when my husband was ill, that taking care of me when I feel sad and overwhelmed is the most important thing I can do. Sleep right, eat right and get some exercise and the world always seems a better place tomorrow.
