Jun 30, 2010

Spiralenz-ing downward...

And not weight wise. Well to be truthful, I have no idea how much I weigh, I haven't weighed myself in 3 weeks. My clothes fit the same, a few seem a bit looser, I don't "feel" like I've gained weight...but I didn't feel myself gaining weight most of the way up to 250 lbs...sometimes it seemed like I just woke up one day with an extra 10-15 lbs ....and then repeated it.

I am in a spiral of not eating/not sleeping. When I don't sleep I have no appetite, but then my blood sugar drops and I need to eat, so I eat whatever is available and in any quantity I want until I feel better, which makes my blood sugar spike, then I feel tired and stuffed and don't eat again...repeat, repeat, repeat until I get where I am today. Feeling like crap, exhausted and no motivation or will power to do anything but sleep - which, oh did I mention I am not sleeping?

I can't seem to turn my mind off when I try to sleep. Physically and emotionally I am drained, but my mind keeps racing with a million thoughts of moving, living alone, new job, new apartment (that I have yet to find), all the packing I have to do....and on and on. I know some things I can't control so wasting precious brain power worrying about them isn't helping me - but there is no off switch for my brain and when the house is quiet and I've stopped moving for the day, it seems to go into overdrive.

I am liking my new job. One of my managers took me out for lunch to Canyon Creek today which was a nice surprise (I had forgotten the perqs of the Corporate world) and we talked alot about my role and some projects I can work on to make the job more interesting and I hope, eventually translate into a different position that is more in line with my background and training of the last 10 years.  Since tomorrow is Canada Day, I also  booked Friday off so I have an extra long weekend ahead.

Tomorrow is my baby's 16th birthday. Happy Birthday Iain :) 


  1. Hope you get some relief soon. I am right there with you.

  2. Happy Canada Day - from me, a pseudo-honorary Canadian!
    At the very least, think of me as a good neighbor.

    Enjoy your long weekend!
    Also, happy birthday to your "baby" who is sweet 16!

  3. Wow, a baby on Canada day? Cool. I'm so glad that you are posting again my Enz. I've missed you. It sounds like it's been a tough go, but you are hanging in there. I'm rooting for you.

  4. Having no appetite can really screw with you, can't it? I was having a lot of trouble eating after I had the baby - nothing sounded good and I had zero appetite but I was supposed to keep my energy up and actually eat more when I was trying to breastfeed. I'm sure your mind is going a mile a minute all the time right now, so I hope that soon you'll be able to relax a little.

  5. Hi Enz,

    I'm way far behind in my blog reading, so I'm just catching up on your last few posts today.

    You are going through SO MUCH right now, and while you feel these changes are positive, they are still BIG changes. It's understandable that you're going to be "out of whack" for a bit while you get things in order.

    I'm thinking of you and hope that you find some peace soon.

  6. Its so important to enjoy your job-you are lucky you do~