Well. Here I am. Not sure what to say to be honest. I am introverted by nature (INJF for those that are into that stuff) and I am finding that sometimes I just don't want to share thoughts or ideas. I am like this is real life too, not just here. It is easier "here" in the anonymity of Blogland to blurt out ideas and successes and challenges and failures and fears than it is to someone face to face - but even so - sometimes I'm just not feelin' it, you know?
Anyway, I am chugging along. This isn't exciting - this daily grind of counting points, measuring food, exercising...it just IS. It's mostly become a habit now. Sure, somedays I eat less healthy than others, some days I eat completely unhealthy and don't exercise - but I am so much more conscious of the choices I make every day. I don't beat myself up anymore for having Wendy's for lunch 1 day a week, or for watching a tv show instead of going for a walk, or having cream instead of milk in my coffee. This is for the rest of my life. Right now I am living and I want to enjoy every aspect of it. There's no point in me losing 100lbs and then going back and eating everything that I avoided to be able to do that - then I will gain 150lbs back in less time than it took to lose the 100. Mostly I am plodding along, my losses are slow but I am feeling so much better about this whole "journey" and about myself and I think that's more important than seeing big losses for a week or two then jumping back up and down the same 2-3lbs because I can't sustain it reasonably.
I think I am following a 75/25 pattern. 75% of the time, I eat well and I exercise. The other 25%, I'm lazy and overindulge. I'd like to get to an 80/20 or 85/15 split - but I'm not obsessing over it. I am counting points every day, even when those points far exceed the 26 I'm allotted. It keeps me grounded and makes me realise that I can't eat like that ALL THE TIME and forces me to make better choices the next day to balance it out. I exercise 4-6 times a week, but I am not making rules or schedules. I just do it.
I had a goal to get to 199 by my birthday. At just about 10 days a way, it's not going to happen - but I'm ok with it. I was disappointed for a few days and I probably will be when I step on that scale on that morning. I have to accept this isn't a race. This is my life and I have to do this the way that works for me. I have to the confidence in myself to know I know what I'm doing, I know how to treat my body and I am doing something I can live with for the next 30-40 years. I will always have to watch what I eat. I know from past experience that the minute I stop thinking about what I put in my mouth - the weight comes back on at lightening speed. So I will never be able to stop thinking about it. I will never be a skinny person who can eat whatever she wants. I don't have that kind of metabolism or gene pool.
So..my goal is no more goals...no more challenges, no more games with myself or others. When I started this time around in February of this year, my "goal" was to take one day at a time. To wake up in the morning and consciously and firmly make the decision to eat well and exercise that day. That was it. Nothing more complicated than that. Nothing beyond that promise to myself for the day. Some days I did well, other days not so well. Some days were disasters, but it was one day. My ultimate goal was to manage my blood sugar levels and feel "better". I knew that losing weight would be a side effect of eating properly, managing blood sugar and exercising. It wasn't the goal in itself....somehow I'd lost sight of that orignal deal with myself.
Since joining WW online and reading more and more blogs, I've got caught up in the "hype" of weight loss. The numbers and the competition. The only person I need to compete with is me. The only person I am doing this for is me. The only person who has live to with myself is me. The only person who puts food in my mouth is me.
That's not to say that I've not gained tremendous support and inspiration and motivation from the online communities, it just means that I needed to step back and remember why I started down this road and what I wanted to accomplish.