Pages

Apr 29, 2010

In my mind

Life is hard right now. I seem to be living more in my mind than in my life. A lot of issues have come to the surface this week...things I had forgotten, or have been trying to forget and some people from my past have intruded into my now.

None of this is bad. Most of it is good, it's just very emotional and very draining and very tiring and I am finding myself second guessing alot of my life's decisions. Not regrets. Just wondering about the roads not taken and the people I've left behind, or who have left me behind.

At 15 I was in love with a wonderful boy. He was funny, smart, cute and the best kisser :) Somewhere between 15 and 16 he started to take drugs. By 16, he was lost to all of us. The last time I saw him he didn't even know I was leaving and saying goodbye, he was so out of it. Life went on and I not only left him behind, but his entire family.  A few years ago, his family looked me up (the magic of Facebook) for me to learn that he was dying. He was 35 and he never recovered from being 16 and his addictions. I had planned to go see him, but he died before I could. The last time I saw him was at his funeral.

Talking to another old friend from that same time in my life, brought back all these memories and hopes and wishes and for some reason,  I can't seem to turn my mind off.  You think the past is safe tucked away but it's not, and I think just this week, I am finally grieving him, but not just him, the loss of my innocence.

I will be fine. I just need to get through this. I learned last year, when my husband was ill, that taking care of me when I feel sad and overwhelmed is the most important thing I can do. Sleep right, eat right and get some exercise and the world always seems a better place tomorrow.

11 comments:

Kyle Gershman said...

Wow...tough stuff to grow up with...I hope you get through this grieving stage with full comfort and closure...you certainly have a wonderful attitude about this...and do take care of yourself.

Katie said...

You really do have an amazing attitude and outlook. Keep it up, Enz, & keep taking care of yourself.

Kristina said...

It sounds to me like you have it figured out...your just having to grieve over it too. Im with you, I prefer those things to be tucked away in the past and to stay there. Rest and take care of yourself and when your ready, you will be back in the game!

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

The older I get, the more the past has a tendency to revive like that in my mind.

That's a sad story about your first love. There is always a special place in our hearts for that person where he is forever young and carefree. Hold on to that memory.

Tamara said...

It's important to grieve Enz. Better late than never. I know the memories hurt but working through it consciously is the only way to let go of that pain. I think you are very brave.

Candace said...

Hope you feel better emotionally real soon :)

Dreidl said...

Remember that you have a lot of love and support out here in cyber land. Keep reaching out, it will help ease the rough spots

Joanne said...

Sometimes we don't even realize what has a hold on us - good for you to recognize what is going on. My life turned upside down with my first husband when he got ill - just getting grounded now after almost 10 years.

Jenn said...

Wow, that is just so tough, and terrible and painful. I think I agree that you're probably grieving right now, and it's good that you recognize that.
Take care of you!

anne h said...

I mentioned your name tonight on my blog.
For a wonderful award.
I would be honoured to pass it along to you!

Kimberley said...

Hugs Enz.

Post a Comment