Feb 24, 2010

Titles can be misleading.

Look up at the title of my blog.  Downward TrEnz.

When I was thinking about my title, I wanted something that would reflect what my blog was about and be a play on my name - Downward TrEnz seemed perfect.

The downward part? Not so much.

The last two weeks, I've been eating more.  I have to tell you, it was difficult to eat more. I found myself making excuses to NOT eat more...but I did. For the last 14 days, I've stayed between 1450-1550 calories. Every day. Without fail. I kept my exercise the same - treadmill, 30-45 min - 5-6 x a week.  My 300 extra calories were healthy, vegetables, whole grains, lean protein - I wasn't eating cheeseburgers and fries and ice cream to hit that number.

Results? No drumroll please.

I have gained 6 lbs.

I have to say the first week I gained 3. I was worried, I was confused, I was angry.  Even though I knew it could happen, that it might be my body hanging on until it new this new 1500 game was here to stay...so I kept at it.  End of week 2, I am 6 lbs up. I am horrified, I am scared and I am just plain pissed at the world.  I am very close to 220.  220 is a number I never want to see again.  I don't know what to do now. I don't know if I should continue for another two weeks, risk gaining more weight - you all know those 6 lbs won't come off as fast as they went on.

I'm not asking for advice, honestly - I know some of you are going to want to throw some at me - really - I am not in the frame of mind for advice. Tonight I feel like I have tried and done everything I'm supposed to and I'm still failing.  I know how far I've come, I know how long it's taken to get here - I'm not discounting that - but if I can't continue, if I can't get to a healthy weight then I have failed. 

Today, for the first time in just over a year  - I am questioning if I can actually do this, if I am strong enough, if I am smart enough, if I want it enough.

Today for the first time in a year, I deliberately did not count calories or points. I ate three meals and two snacks - normal sized portions, normal foods  I eat every day, no splurges or indulgences. The menu today was not different from any other healthy eating day I've had lately. I felt panicked all day - I felt like I had to count, I had to write it down....I didn't. I forced  myself to do something else, I forced myself to stop mentally counting.  It was hard. I know the meals were healthy, I know they were in my calorie range and yet  I was so scared of overeating. How could I? I premade all my meals myself, I know what was in them - after a year, you pretty much memorize the points in all your every day foods.

I'm not sure where I was going with this post;  just to update you all on this 1500 calorie experiment at the 2 week mark, just to put it all in words to see if made more sense (it doesn't ), just to know that I am still here, not giving up because that's never been an option; just to say that tomorrow's another day and I will wake up and fight another day.

15 comments:

  1. Lady, all I have to say is I HEAR YOU. I'm giving it a month. After that, no idea. Hugs!

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear about your confusing, frustrating results. It's certainly not fair.

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  3. I just wanted to say "hang in there". No words of wisdom here...heck, I just (finally) broke thru after fighting the same dang 10 pounds since October.

    I went back & read a few earlier posts to get a handle on where you are. Let me tell you that you are not, not, not alone in your frustration (but you know that) with losing "X" amount of weight & then getting stuck/gaining it back.
    I've been there, done that & have the extra extra extra large tshirt. ;)

    Just don't give up.
    You are worth the struggle.
    You are worth the effort.
    You are worth trying.
    Don't forget that. :)

    Best wishes,
    Lynn

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  4. Promise I won't dispense any advice, I don't know anything anyway. As you've probably seen on my blog, February has pretty well sucked for me weight loss wise too. Last night, my youngest daughter was in from out of town and asked me to pick up her favorite thing on my way home from work, a giant steak and mozzarella calzone from our local Mom and pop Italian Deli. I only let myself have one bite, but it honestly seemed stupid to not just have a big ol' portion like I used to just because it tastes so good. I'm sure this thought process will pass, but probably not today.

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  5. You CAN do this... one way or another it WILL happen! HUGS!!!

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  6. When you are ready to talk I Am here.

    I have something to say but I will save it for later when you are ready :)

    You WILL wake up and fight another day. Because you are amazing.

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  7. I can certainly relate to how you are feeling, Enz. No advice throwing here, just want you to know that I understand and I am sorry that the scale didn't show you the results that you absolutely deserved. Glad you are hanging in there and staying strong. ((HUGS))

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  8. NO advice from me...just to say, I'd be pissed too!

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  9. Wow. I can totally understand why you would feel discouraged. You did everything right by the sounds of it. Don't doubt that you are strong enough and smart enough to do this. YOU ARE.

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  10. ((( HUGS)))) Been there, done that and feel like I own the darn stand that sells the commemorative tee shirts. All I can say is you are not alone and it seems to be trickier the older we get for absolutely maddening reasons. Scream. Hit pillows. Cry. Vent to the moon, snowbanks or a stream of water, then catch your breath and it will be a brand new day.

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  11. Is there room in your boat for two? I am totally with you~

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  12. Hang in there, babe. That's all I can say! Hang in there.

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  13. I'm sorry that it's been this way, I know it can be SO discouraging. We're all still rooting for you, and you CAN do it.

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