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Aug 6, 2012

How much has changed in 25 years?

So here's the thing, I haven't dated since I was 17. That was a long time ago. I was married at 20 and  I was married for 22 years. Now I've been separated for over 2.

I have lots of friends, male and female, and two great kids. I'm pretty much financially independent and stable and I have lots of hobbies to keep me busy but sometimes, I think it would be nice to have a partner again. To be in a relationship again. To have "someone" again. You know?

But...I don't know where or how to start. Get out and do things, right? Well the thing is, I am extremely introverted (INJF) and have a really hard time meeting people. The people closest to me are people I've known a very long time. I don't let go of friendships easily and I don't make new friends easily. I can come across as disinterested or aloof when really, it's just that I'm watching and listening and see how I fit in and learning as much as I can about the new people and dynamic.

When I hear women I know talk about dating - it seems really scary and intimidating.  Although I'm not 17 anymore, my experiences with dating are with the lenses of a 17 year old.

I've been fortunate, my ex husband - let's call him D - (I still can't get used to saying the ex part) was an awesome man, a great father and just a really nice guy. The reasons we separated  aren't important, but it wasn't because he was a prick or a bad guy. The relationships I had before him were with boys (I was 17 remember) and some of them were pricks and not nice guys and I was so lucky to meet D and be loved by him for such a long time. I was truly spoiled.

I'm not sure where this post is going, but as I find myself wanting to do more things - go running, go hiking, go to movies and concerts and sit at the waterfront - I'm finding I want someone to do these things with and I'm not sure how to get that into my life.


13 comments:

deanna said...

Praying God sends that someone into your life.

Mick said...

Think sometimes its easier to meet someone when we are not trying.

I lost my perfect partner 3 years ago with cancer didn't do anything for over a year and I've dated 3 people since two of which I met on singles holidays (do you like travel), and the other online.
Of the 3 "L" whom I'm good friends with just lives too far away so we just keep it as a friends thing, we've been away 2 or 3 times though and could again i suppose, especially while both single.
"P" another I met on holiday I dated for nearly a year but we sort of grew apart, just at different stages of our lives, still friends though and chat occsionally. Personally didn't want to split but it just didn't work out and I'm not one to look over my shoulder.
More recently I dated "M" who I met online and we dated for nearly 3 months but the magic wasn't there.
Have had a couple of other online one off dates but not led anywhere.
I'm quite comfortable been single as I love my sport and travel but also happy to be in a relationship with the right person.
Away on another singles hol this month so never know may meet someone, may not who knows, they arn't dating agencys but with all them singles past history tells me its always a possibility.

Norma said...

I met the big loves of my life at work, in a grad school class, online and at the gym.

Leslie said...

What a thoughtful and honest post. What comes to me is that you're feeling better about yourself and opening to new experiences and relationships. Just the shift of recognizing that it would be nice to have a partner again is a wonderful and natural beginning. Just keep being yourself and pursuing your interests - your openness and interest will come shining through. Keep us posted! ;)

andrea. said...

Hey, I'm an INFJ too! :)

This is such a nice post. Even though I'm not in the same situation, I get what you mean. I agree with everything Leslie said above. I think this is the natural start of 'getting back out there.' I think you're doing everything else -- valuing yourself and pursuing your interests and getting to know what you want and need in your life. You may or may not find that's enough to draw someone into life -- but if not, there are lots of things you can do to set the ball in motion, as it were. Personally, I'm a big fan of online dating -- it's where I met Shaun, and it's certainly not limited to just one age group anymore. Plus, it's great for us introverts. :)

(PS: I'm the QUEEN of writing online dating profiles, so if you do decide to go this route I'd be happy to help. I used to be president of an online dating club called Girls And Guys Meeting Electronically (GAG ME for short!). Okay, I started the club, but still! I set my friend Sarah up with her now husband, so I feel I've got a real knack here. :D)

Mary Ellen Quigley said...

I am in a similar boat, so I completely understand. I have never been married, but I have spent my entire adult life past college taking care of my elderly parents. Mom passed away last fall, but I still take care of Dad. Needless to say, I didn't have time to date or go out before. Now that I hit the big 3-0, I am really feeling that urge to date and marry. I want children, and if I don't make changes the opportunity will pass me by. If I lived closer, we could totally hit the town together. LOL! Seriously though, I am trying online dating. I haven't had much luck so far though.

Beth said...

I met my husband in church. Who knew hot romance could begin at church? I hope you find just the right person.

Need to Get ME Back said...

I met my boyfriend online.. it lets you get to know each other a little before meeting and by then you kind of have an idea what the other person is all about. You will find someone if you are open to it!

Sharon said...

Here's hoping just the right person comes along.

Cowgirl Warrior said...

I'm eternally single, met the last 2 boyfriends online. Then decided I needed to focus on learning to love myself. Haven't put myself out there yet but I'm thinking about it.

affectionforfitness said...

Keep being your authentic self and then just keep socially active with many groups of people. If the right guy is out there, he will like you just as you are. Also, many things I have read say to expand out more miles from your home with your activities so that you have a better chance of meeting someone that you don't already know. That's the only thing I've ever read that makes logical sense.

:-) Marion

Susie said...

Oh gosh, I don't feel like I've anything useful to say because I've hardly dated in the past few years, let alone been married.

I totally understand the wanting to "have" someone feeling and I agree with the person above who said it's because you're feeling better about yourself. I find myself wondering more and more about having someone to feel close to, or eat out with or get dressed up for, yet it feels kind of embarrassing to admit that.

You're such a lovely person, it totally shines through in your posts and I hope you meet someone just as nice soon. x

Chris H said...

I was on my own with 4 young children after I left my first husgand, and the first time I went 'out' with a friend, I met my Stew and we have now been married for 25 years!
All I can say is don't go LOOKING for a man, just be yourself, and he will find you!
OR... do what masses of people do now days (it's accepted now) and go on the internet dating sites and meet people that way... then you can filter out any that sound like creeps!
I totally get how lonely it can be on your own. Good luck Chick.

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