Aug 5, 2009

When you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

Today was a terrible day; emotionally, physically, mentally – nothing seemed to come together.

It’s strange because yesterday was such a wonderful day. For the past few days I’ve been eating perfectly, with virtually no effort on my part. I love the concept of “clean eating” (if not the term) and was finding it so easy and effortless to eat healthy, delicious meals and to plan. 

The highlight of my day yesterday was seeing my endocrinologist and getting the results of my blood work. My glucose and cholesterol levels had both greatly improved in the 8 weeks since I’d seen her last. We cut out one diabetes med altogether and lowered the dosage on the second one as well as lowering (down from last week) my thyroid med as well. I had lost 11 lbs since I’d seen her last and 4 inches off my waist. That is quite an accomplishment for 8 weeks. I was thrilled, I was feeling good about myself and my efforts. (I’ll edit this tomorrow to add the actual blood work numbers, it’s too late and I’m too tired to do it tonight).

All last night I could not sleep, I was tossing and turning. I’m not sure what i was thinking of exactly, but it was keeping me awake.

When the alarm went off at 5:30 this morning I had not slept and I was very tired. I also had a hungover feeling (even though I don’t drink) and was generally feeling “out of sorts”.  By the time I dragged myself out of bed I had to rush to get ready for work. For some reason, I had completely forgotten the night before to get my meals for the day ready and I had no idea what I was going to eat. I left home without eating and without taking any food for the day with me.  I stopped at Tim’s on my way to work and got a large coffee and a multigrain bagel with light cream cheese – that’s probably about 13-14 points right there.

As the morning went on, I felt more and more exhausted, sleep deprived and short tempered.  Having all carbs and caffeine for breakfast was not helping my blood sugar either.  Lunch was more carbs in the form of a frozen dinner from Loblaws and more caffeine in the form of a Diet Pepsi.  By the time I left the office at 3:30, I was feeling like a zombie and I had worried all day about the effect removing the Glicozide (diabetes med) would have on my fasting blood sugar level. All of a sudden it didn’t seem like such a good idea to stop taking it.

I came home and the house was a mess. I lost it and decided I would do my C25K workout before dinner.  I got through the warm up walk and then when I started to run, the pain in my thighs was incredible. Shooting, searing pains from my knees up to my hips, I had to stop and when I started again, even walking was painful. I was so upset, then I really did fall apart and just went to bed for a few hours. I think the sleep helped a little but when I woke up my blood sugar was very low and I felt, physically, even worse. By this time, Den and Liam had eaten and there were no leftovers so I ended up with a cup of coffee and a toasted English muffin because that’s all I had the energy to throw together.

Although I was still tired and dragging, I decided to stay up and watch “The Next Food Network Star”. Throughout the show, I could barely keep my eyes open. When it was over, I started to head to bed and then thought about how my day would be tomorrow if I woke up in the morning with no plan and food ready to go. So I took the 20 minutes and put together my breakfast, lunch and two snacks in my lunch bag for the day.  You know what? Just doing that, I feel more in control and more sure that tomorrow will be a good day. I am still worried that my blood sugar will be high in the morning without the Glucozide, especially since I didn’t eat mindfully today, but if that’s the case, I’ll deal with it tomorrow. 

I was feeling like a failure for not being able to complete the C25K tonight and I am still very disappointed but I am not giving up. Tomorrow I will just walk either on the treadmill or outside for about an hour and make sure I stretch and let the muscles in my legs heal and in a day or two, I’ll get right back into it. I might wait a bit before I try outside again, but I am not giving up.

Tonight I chose to plan for success and just by doing that, I will be a success tomorrow.

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